Buzzword Bingo

My Top-14 Buzzwords

July 7, 2024 - Tommy Dräger

They use them to sound "smart and professional". You hear them in meetings, you see them over and over again in job openings. it's time to call out the buzzword abuse for what it is: utter bullshit. Here is my favorite Top-14 Bullshit Buzzword Bingo List:

Short Notice: This article is full cynical and nasty remarks. Don't take my words to serious.

Blockchain

That magical solution for every problem known to man! A digital ledger, but because adding 'blockchain' to anything instantly makes it sound futuristic and complex.

Cloud

Ah, the 'cloud'—just someone else's computer, but 'cloud' makes you sound tech-savvy. Seriously, you're paying a monthly fee for them to use your data however they please. It's like renting storage space and handing over the key, hoping they won't snoop around or mess with your stuff.

IoT (Internet of Things)

Because everything needs to be connected to the internet, including your toaster. I tell you why, but then you'll start to get paranoid.

Synergy

Ah yes, the corporate way of saying 'we should probably work together' but making it sound like rocket science.

Scalability

The go-to excuse for why your current system is a mess and you need more funding. And the number one reason why your monthly Server costs more than 1500$, even if you don't have a single customer outside your own country.

DevOps

Because developers and operations can't just work together without a trendy label.

AI Solution

"Our product is using ChatGPT's API and Ollama... but we still claim it's ours."

Agile

An excuse to have daily stand-ups and endless planning meetings while claiming to be 'flexible.' It’s like finding a new word for 'micromanagement' with a fancy name and pretending constant interruptions improve productivity.

NFT

A unique string that says you own something (most of the time on someone else's computer), often used as a speculative investment or a clever way to launder money through tax-deductible art donations. Perfect for those who love paying exorbitant prices for glorified digital certificates. Often used in the same sentence with "Blockchain" (to sound extra smart).

Bitcoin

Wanna know who uses Bitcoin and what it was made for? It's the go-to currency for pedophiles, drug cartels, and arms dealers on the dark web or telegram. You know how hard it was for them to launder their money? Now they just pay a 25% capital gains tax. Wild West for criminals, just with a fancy digital facade.

cutting-edge technologies

The next words coming out of this dudes mouth are definitely "AI" and "Blockchain".

Metaverse

It's a rip off from a game called "VR chat"!!! Nothing else. Seriously, What the fuck! I'm curious are there still people on LinkedIn claiming to be "Metaverse Engineers"??

Web3

It's like slapping 'crypto' and 'decentralized' on everything and pretending it's revolutionary. Web3 promises a utopia where users own the internet, but it's mostly a playground for speculation, scams, and the same old internet problems with extra layers of complexity.

MVC (Model-View-Controller)

I think this one is my favorite buzzword. The architectural pattern that's been around forever, but we keep pretending it's the holy grail of software design. It's like the wheel—everyone acts like they invented it. You’ve got your Model, View, and Controller neatly separated, which sounds great until you realize it means 58 files got changed in that PR. You’ll spend half your time jumping between files trying to figure out where the actual logic is.